U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The power of my boobs compel you
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
