You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
