i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I need water and some morals
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
