dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
