Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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