I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
