Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Welp...herpes.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
