sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
