He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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