I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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