I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
