the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
