The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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