the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
