I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
