I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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