the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
