dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
