yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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