he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
