id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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