i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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