I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
