I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
