weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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