I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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