Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
