I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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