NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
