His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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