apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
