I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
