Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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