Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
