I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
