i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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