Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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