Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
