Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i will never coherently bang her
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
jump out the window naked night went bad
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
