She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
