now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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