We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
