I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
