Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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