Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
