So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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