I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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