she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
