Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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