I just pynch a tree in the face
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
