I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
