Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
